Today is one of those days where I think too much. Today I’m thinking about what I really want, for myself. I don’t know if I want love, or companionship, or friends, or a single friend, or a lot of friends, or some close friends. I don’t know if I want to be loved, to love somebody else, to share a mutual love, or if I am just lonely and want somebody to care. My biggest doubt though is the most important. I don’t know if I want to be with somebody, to fuck somebody, or to hold somebody. Worst yet, I don’t know if I want to BE HELD by somebody. I feel like I should just be alone and that’s that and it is how the world should be and I’ll live like that until I die. I can’t tell if this horrible feeling in my chest is a want for love, or a want for lust. I screw around with women because it means I can be held, and kissed, and made to feel important, but in the end I’m just a sexual object. But I don’t know if I’m okay with that. If I can be held and pretend to be loved what does that do? In the end, I just wish I could care about myself in a away I wish somebody else could. But for now, I’ll think about today. And today, I am overthinking, and lonely.